As Time Goes By

As Time Goes By

Two years have gone by. Where did the days and nights go? "Time heals all wounds" they said. They were wrong. The gaping hole in my heart remains; the pain is as excruciating today as it was the day you left us.

"He is no longer in pain." "He is in a better place." "He's rejoicing in heaven." Blah. Blah. Blah. Yes, I hear you. Yes, I know these things are true. But, they don't help with the pain--my pain.

So what do I do? Cry? No. Laugh? Not really. Write? Well, I'm here now. I guess I can give it a try.

I want to talk about it. I want to talk about him. I want to talk TO him. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laughter. I miss his ability to pick a fight. I miss the way he could be so aggravating and turn around and be disgustingly sweet.

He was so smart. He lived his life at 150% whether you liked it or not. And, mostly by the time you figured out what he was doing, you got over it or you liked it.

Here ends Part 1

"My Child. My Little, Little Child."

Bob Cratchit was heartbroken. He had lost his buddy, his companion, his son. In his grief and desperation we hear him cry, "My child. My little, little child." Yes, Bob Cratchit, losing a child is devastating. What words that can be uttered come from the depths of a heart that can barely keep on beating. Experiencing any form of loss is difficult, but what makes the loss of a child exceptionally so? Is it the regret of words spoken that cannot be retracted or words that now can be spoken but never heard?  Is it the thought of potential yet unfulfilled? Is it the ultimate in a parent not being able to protect a child from harm? I don't know the answers. I've asked the questions. I've cried the tears of remorse, regret, and anguish. Sometimes comfort comes - for a moment. The tears retreat. The protecting walls are rebuilt. The daily responsibilities resume, but the grief remains. Right there, under the surface of my heart, the sadness lingers. The sadness lingers--the tears poised for that moment when a whisper, a word, a wisp of what used to be slaps me in the face, stinging my eyes, and causes my memories to stream down my face in hot tears.  Some days I search for those pain-inducing memories. I want to feel the pain of the loss because feeling the pain is better than the thought of forgetting. When people tell me (and I appreciate that they are trying to help) that time will ease the pain, I think to myself, "Why would I want that? Why would I want the pain to leave me?" Feeling that pain is what keeps me knowing that what I've gone through is meaningful, purposeful somehow. I'm afraid to not feel the pain. I'm afraid I'll forget. So, like a child who has lost a tooth, whose tongue goes back searching the hole for what he has lost, I will go back. I will go back and search out the pain. For now.

Writing for the summer. Where to find the time? I could cut down on some computer time. I could write instead of eat. I could write instead of a lot of things I already do to waste time. I need to be more comfortable composing at the computer. I absolutely prefer writing with pen/pencil on paper. That part of the writing process makes me feel more connected, more in charge. I have been thinking about setting up a writing blog for people to come to "summer writing camp". I saw an idea for it on another lady's website. Seems like a fun idea. So, on her site the prompt for today is to remember and write about a kitchen from your childhood. Include smells, sounds, etc. Perhaps I will do that.

Tobi and Cali

Thought this would be fitting for the "write about a pet" prompt.

This is Amanda Testing Something

I'm just testing this blog thing to see if you can put pictures on it too. So, if this works, there should be a picture of me overlooking the badlands. lol. (cheesy). I'm trying this because I might put up some thanksgiving photos on here, rather than facebook.

Ciao

The Golden Copper

The pet I remember as a kid was Copper. Copper was a beautiful Golden retreiver who had, like myself, a sense for mischeif. Luckily we happened to be slightly smarter than this one.
I remember the day we picked Copper up from the farm he lived on. we went in to the shed where all the puppies were kept, and we looked at the one chewing on the soda bottle. He looked at us and decided we were worth checking out. It turns out when picking an animal it really pays to pick the one who picks you. Turns out even without that information that is exactly what we did.
I remember, as Copper grew older imagining myself as him, being far too empathetic for this animal than I had ever been with a person. I couldn't imagine being locked in a kennel in a room by myself when my 'family' was apart from me. It just couldn't be fathomed. Of course then he grew bravem as eventually I would, and decided outside was SO much better than inside and alone.
I remember Dad chastising him for barking at strangers and running up to them, sure Copper was friendly, but they didn't know that. He was an AMAZING guard dog. He'd never bark if I was near, or Josh, or Amanda. If we were playing ditch and one of our freinds walked by you could hear the growl/bark for miles. If I had been smart I'd have put him on the leash and let him play with us. My team would have won many more rounds.
Copper always wanted to have people near, oftentime a soda bottle was enough to keep him occupied while I watched TV and Josh did his computer stuff. Had I been more attuned to the world of dogs, as I am now, I would have spent every day just playing with that dog. 'OH Eric wants to hang out? Let's bring Copper with." sadly though I was too self absorbed. Luckily we knew the people we gave the dog to and I felt confident in their ability to take care of good ole Copper.
There are so many stories I could tell... The cow story, the third hand story of the coyote, the first hand story of the skunk, but I do not wish to sully that beautiful animals name. Copper was a friend to me and helped me work out my frustrations, sometimes i just wish I had been a better friend/master to him.

"Goodbye, Lady."

Most of my pet memories are sad ones. There's the gray and white striped kitten we had when I was in junior high that we found squashed on the road as we were walking to school. There was the Teddy Bear hamster that was "roasted" in his plastic cage because he was left in the sun by the living room window. There was Petey the bird who, well, I don't really remember what happened to Petey, but he's dead. I don't think any of those memories come close to the day we gave Lady away. We had talked about it as a family and had decided that we just couldn't make the commitment we needed to make to keep her happy (and in the YARD!) She was quite a fence climber as I recall. Anyway, the day the farmer came to get her Josh, Dustin, and Manda were outside playing. The farmer had taken her dishes, food, and favorite toys and loaded them in his pickup. Then he came back to the house for Lady. He asked us to bring the kids in so they wouldn't see him take their pet away. Bob said, "We've talked about this. They'll be fine," and as the man led Lady away by her collar I bawled my head off! See, I'm getting teary even as I write and remember. Lady was a good dog; she went to a good home. Now what I don't understand is why did we get Copper if we couldn't handle Lady? Ah, Copper....now THOSE are some fun memories....

Sleeping arrangements

Shortly after arriving at our rental in deal island, maryland, we discovered the rooms for sleeping. Ted and Mary got the master, of course, with its queen size bed luxury and the semi-functional bathroom. John and hannah found the room with the bunk beds - a full on bottom and a twin on top.

Not more than two moments later we were treated to an argument as to who had the privilege, between them, of fledgling on the top bunk. Imagine the shock on their faces when they discovered the awful truth: they had to sleep on cots in the addition bedroom, because Josh and Liz got the bunk beds.

And john, in all seriousness, looks up and asks: "so which one of you is gonna sleep on the top bunk, then?"

Meeting my brothers In-Laws

I, as the best man, (best best man ever) at t my brothers wedding, had many responsibilities. I picked up someone I didn't know well from an airport in a city I didn't know, and abandoned my lunch to do so. That was just fun. My other responsibilities included, guarding rings, pretending to lose them, and making them reappear. and general entertainment. and a speech but we a re SO not going there... I failed that aspect, BUT I WILL REDEEM MYSELF! Everything else I had down like a champ.

So walking down the Aisle at rehearsal I was matched with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I work in the restaurant industry so I have seen some good looking women. Anyway, she was wearing this cute dress that had some pattern on it, cherries I think... something like that. Anyway we got to talking, and I was out to impress. So we mentioned a little get together later. Great! I thought, I'll pick up some girly drinks and some other things for when Brian and Eric arrive. This will be great.

Josh had brought his Wii up to the room and was supposed to join us, but he was far too stressed out and ended up bailing, I don't blame him one bit, though it woulda been super fun to have him along. However as the evening wore on there were many people in my room.... all Liz's relations trying out the Wii and drinking my booze. I mean there must have been 20 people in my room at one point playing the Wii and just messing around. All women from Liz's side of the family.

I did have a couple with my own aunt before hand. But this was a whole different world. And the girl? she stayed for like 5 minutes, mostly because I couldn't stand her little blonde cohort. It was okay though, because we had quite a riveting time. Then everyone left, and Eric and Brian and Brandon and I carried the night away.

Anyway that's how I met the In-laws my brother was about to have to put up with for the rest of his life. Fun bunch, though if he agrees I don't think I'll ever know.

On the same line that weekend there was the 'sankes' incident and the Dairy Queen incident, but eh all was in fun. If i didn't have to put gas in josh's car when I went to get cake cutting materials we never would have stopped at dairy queen. Just an FYI.

The Faux Pas

The time: May 19, 2007.

The place: Palisades-Kepler state park.

The event: Preparations for the wedding of Joshua Hlibichuk and Elizabeth Savage

It was a warm day by May's standards in Iowa. Of course, my suit may have had something to do with my perception of the heat. In the morning, before the wedding, the temperature wasn't unbearable just yet, but the day had a bite to it: the kind of warm, dry tug that foretold even more heat to come.

Little did poor Brian Larson know just how hot it was going to get.

The pre-game pictures went fine. Our friend-photographer Brooke was the consummate professional and took some gems. Once that was over, we pinned on flowers.

Or, maybe we pinned on flowers beforehand. The bits that followed stick out so strongly in my mind that some of the other pieces have begun to blur.

We didn't know where the rings were.

This was a bit alarming: after all, a wedding without the symbolism may still be a wedding, but feels empty. Hollow. I still get worried looks from my wife if she sees me without my ring on for such an innocuous reason as handling raw chicken.

We needed those darn rings.

The ensuing madness was a riot unto itself. I'd had them, but I'd given them to Dustin (he was my best man, after all). Dustin didn't have them. Or, he claimed I didn't give the rings to him.

I claimed I did.

And then, amidst the confusion, surrounded by my parents, her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and delicate ears, the unthinkable happened.

Only a few months earlier, the cult classic movie "Snakes on a Plane" debuted in theaters. A suspense-comedy, the film's premise is spoiled by the title: there are snakes. On a plane.

Pretty simple.

That's where the Internet stepped in. The movie was lampooned for its primitive and camp premise, as well as its over-the-top action standby star Samuel L. Jackson.

A fake poster and tagline were even whisked together to parody the film.

And that's where our story picks up again.

The movie's vulgar tagline, uttered by none other than Samuel himself, had also become something of a sleeper cult hit. An amusing little blurb of a line created by the Internet, it wasn't even in the original script for the film. It became l a meme, an idea that evolves to take on new forms.

Kind of like a knock-knock joke or a tall tale.

Poor Brian Larson forgot the company he was in and uttered the (in)famous tagline with an (in)appropriate spin. Just as I discovered the rings in my pocket, he exclaimed,

"I have had it with these @$#*%!ing rings at this @$#*!ing wedding."

About three different people verbally chastised him on the spot, my dad among them. Liz and I both immediately turned away. I was beet red: partly out embarrassment, and partly out of mirth. Brian had committed one of the greatest faux pas I had ever personally witnessed.

I love watching The Office for its never-ending stream of social discomfort, but I hadn't ever been privy to anything even close to such live-action mortification, until that moment.

And Brian was indeed mortified. He knew he'd made a mistake, and he was certain we - and our families - would never forgive him.

We have, of course.

He doesn't find it so funny anymore. His cheeks ripen like tomatoes whenever anyone so much as hints at "The Incident," which we have taken to calling it.

And it makes me laugh every time.